Pomembne stvari
V baru se pogovarjajo Nemec, Japonec in Bosanec o zelo pomembnih rečeh.
"Mene najbolj navdošuje misel na makrokozmos: vesolje, zvezde, svetlobna leta, črne luknje... Ali ni to čudovito?" se navdušuje Nemec.
"Mene pa najbolj pretrese misel na mikrokozmos: atomi, protoni, nevtroni, molekule... Ali ni to nekaj neverjetnega?" se ogreva Japonec.
Pa se oglasi Bosanec: "Mene pa najbol fascinira termovka. Poleti mi ohranja pijačo hladno, pozimi pa ostaja čajček v njej prijetno vroč."
"No, in kaj?" se oglasita onadva.
"Ja fanta, a ni izredno, da termovka ve, kdaj je poletje, kdaj pa zima?"
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Pralni stroj
Janezek je v šoli vsak dan opazoval svojo tovarišico in vedno ga je zanimalo, kaj ima pod kiklo... Pa ga lepega dne radovednost premaga in vpraša tovarišico:
"Tovarišica, kaj pa imate vi pod kiklo?"
Pa mu tovarišica odgovori, da ima pod kiklo pralni stroj, če ga že ravno zanima. Janezek gre domov in to pove očetu. Očka pa, ki je to simpatično tovarišico videl že nekajkrat na govorilnih urah, prosi Janezka, da povpraša tovarišico, če lahko on kaj za oprat prinese... Janezek res vpraša tovarišico in ona mu odgovori:
"Povej tvojemu očetu, da če ima kaj večjega za oprat naj kar prinese, če je pa kaj manjšega naj pa kar na roke opere..."
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Princ Čarls
> > Zakaj se bo princ Charles porocil s Camillo?
> > Ker mu je dojadilo, da je na druzinskih fotografijah vedno on
> > najgrsi ...
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Papagaj
Zenska gre v trgovino z domacimi ljubljencki kupovat papigo.
Prodajalec ji pokaze cudovito aro: "Vam je vsec, gospa?"
"Res je lepa, ampak na lotu pa nisem zadela, da bi si lahko taksno ptico privoscila...'
Prodajalec razlozi, da je na papigo 50% popust, ker je zivela v bordelu in ima pac bolj socne besede.
Zenska je odprtega uma in pomisli, da to jo pa res ne bo motilo, mogoce bo celo zabavno, pa vzame papigo.
V varnem zavetju novega domeka se pernato bitje razgleda naokrog: "Hej, novi bordel in nova madam!"
Zenska odgovori: "To ni bordel in jaz nisem madam, jasno?"
Pozneje prideta njeni hcerki, papiga pa: "Hej, novi bordel, nova madam, nove kurbe!"
Hcerki uzaljeni pokarata papigo in mamo... pa se vendar sprijaznita in gledata na stvar saljivo.
Pride zenin moz, papiga ga zagleda, in zavresci:
"Nov bordel, nova madam, nove kurbe, pa iste stranke! Kak se mas, Franci?"
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A poem written by an African Shakespeare
> Dear white fella,
> Couple things you should know:
>
> When I was born, I black
> When I grow up, I black,
> When I go in sun, I black
> When I cold, I black
> When I scared, I black
> When I sick, I black,
> And when I die, I still black.
>
> You, white fella,
> When you born, you pink
> When you grow up, you white
> When you go in sun, you red
> When you cold, you blue
> When you scared, you yellow
> When you sick, you green
> And when you die, you grey.
>
> And you have the fucking nerve to call me colored?
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Kraja
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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Highway Patrol
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on
the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview
looked at
the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as
scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blo nde hung her head ! and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in
her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
hear what I ! just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . . " He flashed the
photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and be gan
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the
blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely! right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world
could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duh! With only one eye
and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
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Ciganska posla
Došla ciganka kod ginekologa, skinula se.
Jadnika zahvati nevidjeni smrad.
Vidi ona šta je pa mu kaže:
''Šta se mrstiš, da si hteo da ti
posao miriše, postao bi cvećar!''
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Pisalo
Zdravnik: "Sestra", (kriči), "Sestra!!!"
Sestra: "Da?"
Zdravnik: "Dajte mi en listek!"
Sestra mu poda listek in zdravnik začne nekaj čačkati na listek.
Sestra: "Ampak gospod doktor..."
Zdravnik: "Ne motite me prosim!"
Sestra: "Da, ampak gospod doktor ..."
Zdravnik: "Dajte mi no mir že enkrat, sem vam že rekel, da me ne smete motiti
pri delu!"
Sestra: "Ampak gospod doktor, a ni vidite, da pišete z termometrom!"
Zdravnik: "No potem pa pojdite in poglejte v kateri riti sem pozabil pisalo..."
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Neče da puši
Dolazi ciga kod doktora i žali se.
''Joj doktore moja žena neće da mi puši!"
Doktor će na to:
''Nemoj da se sekiraš, stavi eurokrem na njega pa ćeš da vidiš.''
Prošlo sedam dana - eto cige opet kod doktora, i doktor ga pita:
''Je li cigo, da li ti žena sad puši? A na to će ciga: ''NNEEEEE, ne može da dodje na red od dece.''
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Beba
Mujo pride k Hasotu na obisk.
Po vecerji in prijetnem druzenju ga Haso povabi, da prespi pri njem,toda...
"Kod Fate ne moze da spavas, kod mene isto tako ne, jedino mozes da
spavas kod bebe!", pravi Haso.
"Pa necu da spavam kod bebe!" mu odvrne Mujo, "daj mi jastuk pa da
legnem u kupatilo u banju , bice sasvim u redu!"
In tako se Mujo vleze v banjo in zaspi.
Drugi dan zgodaj zjutraj ga nekdo zbudi.
V kopalnico pride cudovito dekle z dolgimi crnimi lasmi in bujno
postavo.
"Zdravo", rece ona, "ja sam Beba!"
"Zdravo," ; rece Mujo, "a ja sam Idiot!"
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Mržnja
Ošišao se mali ciga do glave, i dodje kući pred majku:
- "Mama, mama pogledaj, ja sam sada skinhed!
- "Šta s' bre? Dodji 'vamo!" Ubi majka maloga od batina.
Posle pola sata batina, nailazi ćale, i mali opet pred njega:
- "Tata, tata vidi ja sam sada skinhed!"
Uhvati i ćale da leši klinca, pa ga i on još pola sata izudara.
Gleda mali ciga:
"U majku mu, tek sam sat vremena skinhed, a već mrzim cigane!"
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Say bye bye
Poslušalci čestitajo in pozdravljajo:
99-letni prababici posvečamo pesem:
"Odšla bom še to noč, ozrla se ne bom...."
Moškemu, ki se je včeraj vrgel iz ljubljanskega nebotičnika, posvečamo to pesem:
"I believe I can fly,..."
Bolnemu dedku, ki danes praznuje stoti rojstni dan posvečamo pesem:
"Poletja ne bo, poletja ne bo..."
Tašči ki se je včeraj obesila, pa posvečamo pesem:
".....srečo imaš na vrvici....."
U spomen mojoj ženi koja je poginula u požaru u našem stanu...
Parni valjak: Sve još miriše na nju!
Pride nekega dne zenska v lekarno pa rece lekarnarju:
"Jaz bi, prosim, kupila dozo arzena!"
Pa pravi on: "Gospa, arzen je hud strup. Kaj pa bi vi radi naredili z njim?"
Ona: "Ubila bom moza!"
Lekarnar: "Gospa, jaz vam arzena ne morem prodati, sploh pa ne za taksen namen!"
Pa ona brez besed iz torbice potegne sliko in jo prisloni na steklo, ki loci lekarnarja in njo. Na sliki seksata njen moz in leka rnarjeva zena.
Pa pravi on:" Joj gospa, se opravicujem. Nisem vedel, da imate recept!"
Kaže mali Perica učiteljici:
"Napisao sam pjesmu o seksu."
"Hm... Perice dobro, da čujemo."
"Ustanem rano, idem u školu, učim, malo se igram, opet učim, spavam i sve tako..."
"Dobro, a gdje je tu seks?" pita učiteljica.
"Pjesma se zove Jebeš takav život...."
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Hladnoča
+18°C Na Havajima uzimaju drugi pokrivac
+10°C U zgradama u Helsinkiju iskljucuju grijanje
+ 2°C Talijanski automobili ne mogu uapliti
0°C Destilirana voda se smrzava
-1°C Dah se vidi. Rusi jedu sladoled i piju pivo.
-4°C Pas vam se uvaljuje u krevet.
-10°C Francuski automobili ne mogu upaliti
-12°C Politicari pocinju da pricaju o beskucnicima.
-15°C Americki automobili ne mogu upaliti.
-20°C Dah se cuje.
-24°C Japanski automobili ne mogu upaliti.
-28°C Pas vam se uvaljuje u pidzamu.
-29°C Njemacki automobili ne mogu upaliti.
-30°C Ni jedan normalan automobil ne moze upaliti.
-36°C Ruski automobil ne moze upaliti.
-39°C Rusi zakopcavaju sve gumbe na kosuljama.
-50°C Automobil ti se uvaljuje u krevet.
-60°C Zitelji Helsinkija se smrzavaju. U Moskvi zakopcavaju kapute.
-70°C Smrzavaju se i u paklu. Univerzitet u Kuznjecku organizuje
cross-country .
-72°C Advokati zavlace ruke u vlastite dzepove.< BR>-120°C Alkohol se smrzava. Rusi zato potpuno u qurcu.
-273,15°C Apsolutna nula. Prekida se kretanje elementarnih cestica. Rus lize smrznutu vodku.
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Ako te ne uhvate
Sretnu se dva ciganina.
- "Gde si pošo, Radovane?"
- "Idem u radnju, da kupim cipele!"
- "Ajde majke ti, kupi i meni jedne, ako te ne uhvate!"
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